We recently returned from our trip to Tucson, and I visited my fitness trainer today for the first time in over two weeks since she and her husband went on vacation right after we got back. Faith and I compared our various experiences and hotel amenities as I warmed up on the elliptical, that mechanical instrument of Satan. When people tell me they routinely do a half hour on the elliptical, I can’t help but think they’re either jerking me around or I’m doing it wrong. I know it’s called exercise for a reason, but it also doesn’t have to feel like piranha biting your legs after five minutes. I’ve been told by these manic workout types that you get into a groove and don’t even know you’re on it after a while. In my legs’ mind, that’s a hard concept to accept. Kind of like waterboarding for fun.
I told Faith that our resort had the most amazing fitness center looking out over the desert fauna and a natural waterfall in the canyon wall. Every piece of equipment had a magnificent view and the design of the center was sleek and state of the art. She asked how many times I managed to get in there and I said, “Did I mention that every machine faced the waterfall?” She nodded and raised her eyebrows. It is as pointless for me to lie to Faith as it is for a condemned man to order meat loaf as his last meal. If I don’t take my workouts seriously, there is every chance that the fat cells I punish on the elliptical will be waiting for me outside in my car. They’re like dust mites. You can’t see them individually, but that doesn’t mean a whole industry hasn’t sprung up to eradicate them.
“Did you at least go once?” she persisted. “Well, of course I went once or how else would I be telling you about it?” I asked with all the sincerity of one of the Real Housewives. Faith lowered her head and looked at me through the tops of her eyeballs. “I ate healthy,” I said piously. “The resort where we stayed was all about sustainable cuisine using the natural ingredients found locally to conjure up amazing dishes. It was a very green vacation.” “And I’m turning green listening to this load of crap,” Faith laughed, handing me a pair of weights for bicep curls. I looked down at them and the curvy 8 stamped on each end. “Hey, don’t I usually use 7 lbs for curls?” Faith shrugged her ridiculously well-toned shoulders. “You’re full of all that sustainable food,” she reminded me, and then added, “You had a good time though, right?” I told her we had an amazing time. “That’s great,” she said, clicking her stopwatch. “Because playtime is over.”
Today’s Fotos feature the vibrant work of Cherokee artist Jesse Hummingbird