Along with digital photos, forwards are perhaps the most pervasive aspect of electronic mass communication. They can be anything from jokes to warnings to outright lies, but the chances they’ll be worth reading depends a lot on who sent them and in what disguise that person has been visiting our planet. I recently received a forward from a former coworker on the subject of Being Jewish and it cracked me up:
What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
Plaintiff.
Define “genius.”
An average child with a Jewish mother.
Everybody gets to laugh at these, but being a Jewish mother once divorced I get to relate also which is a nice bonus. And you don’t have to be Jewish to love a bonus.
Being Jewish comes with a lot of stuff aside from the actual religious beliefs. Along with the stereotypes and mandatory guilt (Catholics can jump right in here), being Jewish comes with the expectation that we can see humor in who we are and how we’re perceived by others. We can’t be offended by hearing Jewish jokes because we tell them. And part of what we laugh at is that we think we can mold our religion to fit us. We may keep Kosher but we eat at the diner. We say we follow our religion but we go to temple twice a year. We write our own script like no other minority. Maybe because we’re nomads at heart we need some wiggle room.
I get forwards every day. For each one I enjoy and even pass along there are a dozen that annoy me and a dozen more I don’t even read. Sending forwards is thought by some to be actually communicating only it’s not. It’s hitting a key and calling it correspondence. Sometimes when I get in touch with someone and remark how long it’s been they get offended and say, “Don’t you get my forwards?” Well, yes, but I don’t read them. There is very little to attract me in a subject line that says, TOXIC TAMPONS! SEND THIS TO EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW!! If you want to alert me that the government is putting biological deathdust in my sanitary products, you’ll need to send one of Ralph Nader’s kids to my front door.
Since I switched to Gmail I don’t get any junk, but with AOL my box would be filled with nonsense every morning. I was usually greeted first thing by that Saudi Arabian prince who couldn’t get his money out of the country. So if I would just spot him two thousand, he’d double it and put it right in my bank account faster than I could say Screw Me. Someone somewhere no doubt falls into this scam, which is a heartwarming sign that there is still money to be made online by an enterprising 10th grader with broadband. If the CIA doesn’t recruit him first.
All of this bullshitting has now cut into my day’s schoolz-out leisure activity. Look at the clock. It’s almost time for QVC’s Summer Sale on Gold Jewelry Not Just for Shiksas.* Forward this to every woman you know.
*non-Jewish females, usually with noses so small you don’t know how they breathe (ex: George telling Elaine she has shiksappeal)
Forward illustrations from Daughter’s Gallery
forward thinker. our 16th prez
forward teller. greenwich village halloween 2006
eternally forward style. the chrysler bldg
daria? animated angst-ridden mtv teen. step forward (you’re standing on my neck)