One of the most recognizable figures on television these days is the smarmy but attractive young man shilling for Optimum Online. You’ve certainly seen him. He’s the one who slouches across your screen in his black jeans and jacket over a crew neck tee while complimenting you on being intelligent enough to prefer Optimum over Verizon Fios, DirectTV, DishTV, Gino’s Pizza, etc. Then he strokes his three-day stubble and slouches off leaving you annoyed that you’ll be seeing him again in 20 minutes.
I opened the mail one day in early May to see a notice from Optimum telling us that on June 3rd we would no longer be receiving six channels previously included in our Basic Family package. We could certainly continue viewing these fine channels as long as we dropped by a Cablevision office and picked up a FREE cable box which would be FREE for a whole year. And you know as sure as they’re planning a Starbucks on the moon that the bill for that 13th month will be a heart attack.
In the meantime, Cablevision will pick up some pennies charging their longtime loyal customers a nominal fee of $6.50 a month for each additional TV they’d like to see those stolen channels on. Our house has five TVs. My father was in electronics. So I’m standing in the Cablevision office on June 3rd because I had to see the signal actually disappear before I believed they weren’t just jerking us around about snatching our A&E. The Sopranos is on A&E. FX is gone too and that means The Shield with it’s new season beginning 2012 or whenever so I have to be ready. I’m relegated to watching these acclaimed but violent shows on one of the TVs that Husband isn’t watching because he’s engrossed in The Learning Channel. They took that too.
I’m doing the math in my head to determine how much of a soaking we’ll get if we put boxes on all our TVs and why would I of all people even consider doing that since we were the LAST FAMILY IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD to even get cable. I heard those words a hundred times as the kids were growing up and they were usually followed by “I’ll be at Jonathan’s watching his TV” if Son was speaking, and “We’re the Beverly Hillbillies!” if it was Daughter.
The kids and I had dinner the other night and I told them about this recent Cablevision thievery. They reminded me that I only relented and agreed to get cable in 1999 because Daughter began appearing on the Metro Channel show School’s Out! back when the network was first launched. This happens to be true but it also doesn’t qualify me as Neolithic Woman.
I told the kids at dinner that a little deprivation is good for the soul as well as the value system and it can even create a memory behind your back. When I was 14, my father drove me over to my friend Maureen’s house every Monday night at 7:30 so I could watch The Monkees in color. At the time, I thought our family was medieval for still having black and white. Years later, I remembered the rides with my dad as being special and the gatherings at Maureen’s as much fun to look forward to as the show itself.
The kids said they could see that and even relate. But they also agreed that I shouldn’t hold on so tight to things that are changing. They reminded me that change is good.
OSV: I think you’re right. And after observing the other students in my school, I see I definitely need to embrace new trends. So I’ve decided to have both your names tattooed above my butt.
DAUGHTER: You’re kidding.
SON: Whose is first?
The Green Thing is the subject of Daughter’s Featured Fotos
you are HERE
storybook wedding
ubergreen
the chimp lobby