I recently heard about the perfect gift for the New Year: a calendar made of bubble wrap. Everyone loves popping those little hermetically sealed pods of air, and how cathartic to signify the end of the day with such a satisfying note of finality. POP, goodbye miserable Monday. According to the report about this new gift item, the only problem is giving it to obsessives who pop the whole year in the first week. I guess nothing’s perfect.
With the passing of George Carlin this past year, there will be no New Rules for 2009, which means we’re on our own for the first time in three decades. To provide a small measure of guidance, I’m rerunning Carlin’s rules from 2008 as posted in my entry from last January. Old rules beat no rules unless you make your own rules.
May the New Year find you ready and waiting.
New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them?! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days — mowing my lawn.
New Rule #2: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule #3: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.
New Rule #4: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.
New Rule #5: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet ‘n Low, and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.
New Rule #7: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass and it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”
New Rule #10: I don’t need bigger, mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule #11: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.
New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months ( e.g. 27 months). “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
New Rule #13: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, “Do you want fries with that?”
Daughter’s Final Featured Foto of 2008 says to STAY WARM
