There is much going on here in New York this week before the midterm elections. First, we had a gubernatorial debate impossible to caricature because it WAS a caricature. Next, we Cablevision subscribers are once again held hostage in a battle of power and greed between Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp and James Dolan’s cable empire. And before the weekend is over, there will be rug rats dressed as superheroes banging on our door in search of a sugar rush and higher dental bills, followed much later by marauding teens looking to amuse us with eggs, toilet paper, and shaving cream. In between all that, Husband and I will celebrate our tenth year of marital bliss, and I will write one of the final four papers that separate me from a bachelor’s degree in December. Good times.
The televised political debate was outrageous, and the only thing that would have made it more hilarious was if it took place in a state where I don’t live. The fact that the characters on stage displaying their inanity and insanity represent my options for leadership was harrowing. Andrew Cuomo, the forerunner, didn’t have to say much to look like the default least objectionable choice. He was flanked by challenger Carl Paladino, who uses the “n” word in memos and openly regards homosexuals as an aberration. I suspect he also thinks the word Jew is a verb. Himself the father of an out-of-wedlock ten-year-old, he publicly derided Cuomo’s private life as questionable. Well then.
Candidate Kristin Davis is a former madam who seems to be running on a platform of tattoos and specialty services. In her previous (and perhaps still current) profession, she supplied call girls for then Governor Eliot Spitzer, who ironically resigned over the scandal. Now she wants to be our governor. Did I already use the word ironic? She brought with her to the debate a bottomless sack of brothel one-liners. In response to no particular question, she announced, “The key difference between the MTA and my former escort agency is I operated one set of books and I offered on-time and reliable service.” I guess there is a correlation between mass transit and a businesswoman with a clever way of getting on and off, but I’m not sure we’re talking about the same vehicles.
Scooting over the other three candidates — the representatives of the Libertarian, Green, and Freedom parties — we arrive at an individual named Jimmy McMillan, self-proclaimed leader of the self-established The Rent is 2 Damn High Party. I know you wish you’d thought of it, but you didn’t, and you probably couldn’t pull off the black gloves and Snoop Dogg delivery that he did. In response to every issue and every question, his defiant response was “The rent is too damn high!” What can be done about taxation? “The rent is too damn high!” Can the next generation afford to live in New York? “The rent is too damn high!” Why do families struggle to put food on the table? Sing it out. At one point, he cupped his hand to his ear and said, “Did you hear that sound? Some child’s stomach just growled.” If ever there was a candidate for the You Couldn’t Make This Shit Up election, the New York gubernatorial debate would be it.
For a break from all this political hilarity, Cablevision subscribers can turn on channels 5 or 9 and look at a blank screen while listening to the whiny disclaimers about how News Corp has pulled Fox programming because Cablevision is so devoted to its customers that they refuse to raise our already exorbitant rates to keep stations we have always received on the air. “News Corp is the one you should blame for this inexcusable lapse in programming because we, Cablevision, always have your best interests at heart.” To which the Fox ads respond that we should write Cablevision and demand a refund for channels we have been robbed of but are still paying for. Meanwhile, the screen is blank and there’s no World Series in our house, so I can be happy blaming everyone. I know this cable thing and the crazy election debate are what a capitalist democracy looks like in action, and I honestly wouldn’t want to live under a different system, but I do wish it looked like something else.
Daughter’s Featured Fotos show NYC Pre-Halloween
zombie crawl
resting in times square
shadows
tourist
zombies eat pizza too