Something for the Pain

I have a brown circle of pigment on my cheek about the size of a dime, which I mentioned once before in Of Books and Faces.  I’ve had it since I was born, hence the term “birthmark.”  Over the course of my life, I have visited dermatologists for other matters who guessed the moment I sat in their treatment chair, “I’ll bet you’re here to have that removed.”  For all they knew, my chest was covered with a rash in the shape of Nevada.  But they were drawn to a small patch of dark on my cheek that I rarely remembered was there.  I recall one doctor who wasn’t even a dermatologist saying, as if to enlighten me about modern medicine, “You know, there are lasers now that can lighten that mark on your cheek.”  I said, “What mark?”

I also have slightly overlapping front teeth.  My childhood dentist reassured my mother that nothing had to be done about my bite.  My brother needed a bunch of orthodontia, and my mom was fretting about how to afford it all.  So the dentist advised to go ahead and fix my brother’s teeth because he’d be in business someday and should have straight teeth.  He told my mother that when I was all grown up, my overlapping front teeth would look sexy.  He really said that.  I don’t blame my mom at all for buying such absurd, objectifying advice.  Back in the sixties, no one questioned the word of medical professionals.  Until the end of the decade when everyone got stoned and questioned everything.

So I have no complaints about my face, except that for the past month it’s been throbbing like a boom box.  I’m a longtime headache sufferer, which I wrote about in To Do: Post Office, Car Wash, Brain Scan, and this bout of weather we’re having has sent my vasodilating blood vessels into orbit.  There’s nothing like two weeks of steady rain, followed by 80 degree sun, followed by more rain, and then a cold spell.  It hurts just to put my glasses on.  Unlike the weather, my arsenal of remedies has run dry.  In the supermarket the other day, I could see I wasn’t alone in my suffering.  At the end of the produce aisle, there was a young woman pressing a cool cantaloupe against her forehead like she was trying to read its mind.

If you get headaches, maybe this will sound familiar.  A month ago I visited my dentist because my upper back gum felt inflamed, making my whole face hurt.  He gave me antibiotics for a gum infection and the advice that if the pain didn’t go away, I should see an oral surgeon to rule out a bone infection.  When the pills were gone but the dull pain wasn’t, I saw an oral surgeon who said it wasn’t my teeth at all, but my sinuses.  Since I already did a course of antibiotics, my internist put me on prednisone to shrink the swelling.  When that didn’t do it, I called my allergist who referred me to an ENT.  I didn’t even know I knew this many doctors.

The ENT informed me that many migraine sufferers think that because the pain is in their face, it must be sinus related.  He said he’s seen patients insist on sinus surgery to relieve their constant pain, only to discover it wasn’t sinus headaches they were having, but migraines.  The phrase I heard from every doctor I visited was “insidious to diagnose.”  They were talking about Migraine, which covers a whole spectrum of hurt.  So now I have a July appointment at a headache center in the city, something I should have done years ago.  If you have any personal experience with this subject or advice to share, I’d love to hear it via comment or email.  Just do me a favor and leave the brown spot on my face out of it.  Yesterday, as the ENT swooped in to look up my nostrils, he stopped about an inch from my face and said, “What is that on your cheek?”  So many degrees, so little eloquence.  I said, “My mother always told me it was a beauty mark.”  I could have just smiled with my fetching overlap, but my face was killing me.

Daughter’s Featured Fotos offer Reflections & Advice

something pain 1 6_09X_reflection_1

something pain 2 6_09X_advice_1

something pain 3 6_09X_reflection_2

something pain 4 6_09X_advice_2

something pain 5 6_09X_advice_3

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Mom will make it fit

Occasionally, Daughter calls my cell as she’s walking to the subway on her way home from work.  She’s a head teacher of early education for special needs children, and she’ll already be laughing as she tells me something hilarious one of her kids said.  I know she adores her students and her work, so it’s a pleasure to hear the joy in her voice as she repeats these very amusing incidents, none of which I can write about here due to HIPAA laws or the Patriot Act or whatever requires modern life to be protected to the point of being covert.  Which is one of the things that inspires caustic writers to blog anonymously.

Being an unidentified friend of a caustic writer, though, puts you out in open territory, so I regularly share anecdotes passed on by my pals.  A great friend of mine, who we’ll call Mrs. B, teaches ESL in the public school system and some of her stories slay me.  She often wears a blazer in the classroom and adorns it with a pretty pin on the lapel.  One day, a shy eleven-year-old girl from a country very far away was so taken with the lovely pins her teacher always wore that she said, “Oh, Mrs. B, I love your penis.  I love all your penis.”

My friend said the trick is to keep a straight face in a situation like this because the more hilarious the misstatement, the higher the embarrassment quotient for the student.  This one was off the chart considering all the eleven-year-old boys in the room from countries maybe not so far away who were writhing in their seats with hysterical merriment.  Mrs. B thanked the complimenting student by saying, “I’m so glad you like my pins, dear,” as the boys from Brazil fell apart.

Another friend, the mother of three sons, related this tale of an average dinnertime at her house when the boys were very young and phone calls were discouraged at meals.  One evening when the phone rang, my friend nodded at her youngest, the son with the smart mouth, to go answer it.  The family heard the six-year-old tell the caller, “Yes, she is, but we’re having dinner so can she call you back?”

When he returned to the table, my friend asked him who was on the phone.  “Your boyfriend,” he deadpanned.  As his brothers giggled into their napkins, my friend looked over at her husband.  He already knew which of his sons was the wiseass, so he just snorted while his wife made a mental note to torture the kid privately.

One incident my children still taunt me with came at the end of a hectic day.  Daughter was five and Son was half that, with his language skills just developing.  They were playing in their room, which shared a common wall with the kitchen where I was trying to prepare dinner.  Son was repeatedly throwing a soccer ball against their side of the wall, causing the hanging pot rack on the kitchen side to shake precariously, along with my nerves.  After several bounces I yelled for him to cut it out.  A brief pause was followed by more bounces, followed by me yelling louder that he’d be sorry if he kept it up.

When the soccer ball hit the wall yet again, I lost it.  I slammed my hands on the counter and screamed, “If you bounce that ball one more time I’m going to shove it down your throat!”

First there was dead silence, then Son’s disbelieving little voice as he looked from the soccer ball to his sister.

SON’S LITTLE VOICE:  Can’t.  Too big.

DAUGHTER’S LITTLE VOICE:  (see title)

We’re Talking City here with Daughter’s Featured Fotos

rush

rush

shrine

shrine

splintered  (Feature INC)

splintered (Feature INC)

wild life  (DCKT Gallery)

wild life (DCKT Gallery)

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If we don’t have it, you don’t need it

Thus read the sign in the Yarmouth Hardware Store window as we drove by in the rain.  It rained almost across the board for our vacation in Maine, which you’d think would be a drag, but we actually had a terrific time.

To understand why, you have to consider the ‘dumbfounded wonder factor’ which struck Husband and I from the start.  Meaning that extremely northern New Englanders are immune to weather of any kind, making them hard not to watch with interest.  Even in a steady rain, as long as it’s after Memorial Day, Maine natives wear sandals and t-shirts.  In this case, squishy leather sandals and dripping cotton t-shirts.  I guess they’re just happy they’re not shoveling snow.

Despite a constant rolling fog headed toward land, our view across Portland’s Casco Bay was stupendous, with ships appearing like ghosts on the horizon, steadily growing in size as the distance diminished.  The intermittent break in the clouds revealed a sun as bright as pirate gold and just as welcome.  Husband and I sipped coffee by our picture window and feasted on lobster stew at the wharf across the street.  The café next to our hotel served a cappuccino that made me think I was in Seattle.

Of course, shopping is always a good thing to do in the rain, and nearby Freeport houses the flagship L.L. Bean as well as dozens of upscale outlet stores that look architecturally more like historic landmarks than retail shops.  Husband found me in Cole Haan clutching a pair of ballerina flats to my chest as I confided that everything on the first floor was 50% off.  Drawing him close, I whispered, “The second floor is 60% off!  Cole Haan!”  He grabbed my arm and said, “You know what Cole Haan is at 80% off?  Cole Slaw!”  That boy ate too much lobster salad.

On the one sunny day of the week, I seized the chance to board the Portland Trolley and get familiar in 90 minutes with all the places of interest I’d read about in the travel guide.  Local trolley tours aren’t Husband’s thing, but I try not to miss them in any city we visit.  This one was especially entertaining because the driver had an easy patter and obviously enjoyed what he was doing.  His regular job for the past 30 years is middle school math teacher.  He said giving tours on the weekends is a pleasure because he gets to talk a lot while people actually listen.

So why, you ask, do port cities have so many cobblestone streets?  Because the roads were made with the stone used for ship ballast.  What’s buried under the statue of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in Longfellow Square?  A metal box containing the names of the New England schoolchildren who raised $17,000 to build the statue after his death.

And finally, what’s behind the name of a pub on Commercial Street called $3 Dewey’s?  Well, back in the pub’s heyday, the charge for entertainment there was $1 – looky; $2 – feely; $3 – doey.  And that’s without the second floor discount.

Daughter’s Featured Fotos sing Here Comes The Sun

play

play

people watching people

people watching people

entrance

entrance

fringe monster, DCKT Gallery

fringe monster, DCKT Gallery

Note:  This weekend, June 6th and 7th, is the annual Renegade Craft Fair in Williamsburg, Brooklyn at the McCarren Park Pool that I wrote about last year in Renegade Nation.  Maybe Daughter and I will see you there.

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Driving Siriusly

I recently did two things I’ve never done.  That field becomes smaller and smaller as the decades pass, which is definitely my goal.  I try not to obsess about my epitaph, but I’m thinking She Did It All would be a good one.

So the two things I can strike off my list now would be Drive To Maine and Own A Car With Sirius Radio.  It’s actually Husband’s car, an Acura T-something, and it came with a free year of satellite radio, which we’re just at the start of.  Last month the lease on his Nissan was up and RIGHT BEFORE he had to turn it in, he was rear-ended on the Belt Parkway to the tune of $5600 in damage.

The driver who decided Husband’s lane was so perfect he had to be there too was clearly impaired.  Having caused the rush hour traffic on the Belt to back up to newsworthy proportions, the guy stood in the roadway waving his arms and wailing, “I’m so sorry, man!  Like I really didn’t see you, man, y’know?  Are you okay, man?  This was like totally incidental. . .I mean accidental. . . y’know, man?”

The responding police officers gave him a breathalyzer which he passed.  Apparently they’d left the stonedalyzer back at the station.  So there was no indication on the police report that this guy was messed up, and in the end he told his insurance company something wacky like the other car had backed into him on the parkway.  At the time it happened, Husband felt confident it would be an open and shut case.  It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

The trip to Maine took about eight hours, but it seemed much faster, accompanied as we were by Bruce Springsteen 24/7, The Grateful Dead All The Time, and Blue Collar Comedy.  I never knew XM and Sirius when they were rivals – only as the conjoined twins they are now.  The choice of stations was overwhelming, like the diner menu the waitress drops on your table with the thud of an unabridged dictionary.  We ran through those stations like barefoot children on a summer day.

While Husband was driving, I related a story I had read that morning in the newspaper at home.  There was an obituary that fascinated me, if you’ll excuse my morbid excitement.  A 97-year-old woman in Spain, who called herself the world’s oldest blogger, had passed away.  Apparently she had attracted a devoted readership with her musings and memories, among which was her opposition to Franco’s regime.  That would be Generalissimo Francisco Franco, who, as you know, is still dead.

After I gave Husband the basics of the story, I added, “She began blogging late in life,” and he looked at me amused and said, “I would imagine so.”  Husband is always amused at my uncanny grasp of the obvious, and he often looks like he’s restraining a chipmunk inside his cheeks following one of my insightful observations.  What I was thinking when I said it was that a 97-year-old had racked up close to 2 million hits on her blog.  Without doing the math, I figured I’d be about 140 by the time I had that many hits.  Despite the Lipitor, the calcium chews, and the leafy green vegetables, I suspect whatever comes after Facebook and Twitter will probably kill me.

Unlike that big sinking ship, Daughter’s Featured Fotos will go On And On

butter-deer, PS122 Gallery

butter-deer, PS122 Gallery

layers upon layers, LMAK Gallery

layers upon layers, LMAK Gallery

pressure

pressure

cubed

cubed

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Mad Skillz

On Mother’s Day, Husband and I met Son and Daughter at our favorite sushi restaurant.  We all love sushi, which is a good thing where this particular holiday is concerned because Mother’s Day is the top dining out day of the year and every other restaurant worth eating at would be mobbed.  Something about treating your Mom to a special feast on her special day doesn’t equate with raw fish for most people.  But it does for me, so we never have to fight the crowds.

After we ate, we accompanied Son to his new house so he could give us a tour.  I wrote about 25-year-old Son’s surprising real estate purchase in It’s All In The Details, and about the renovations he planned.  Now that everything was done, he was ready to show us around the castle where he was now king.

It would be an understatement to say we were blown away.  In the sunlit living room with the polished hardwood floor, sat a chocolate-colored leather sectional in front of a wall-mounted flat screen TV.  The seating arrangement was offset by a tasteful area rug under the glass-topped coffee table.

SON:  How great is this wall color?  It’s called stone canyon.  I thought it’d go with the brown sofa and the painter agreed.  What do you think?

Husband, Daughter and I stood in a row like statues.  I was trying to reconcile what I was seeing with the person who once lived in a room in our house.  The person who considered decorating a poster of Tupac with his middle finger raised next to a varsity letter thumbtacked to the wall.

SON:  And notice the bay window.  That wasn’t there.  I had that put in.  I always liked the bay window in our house.  It’s a nice touch.

Daughter and I looked at each other.  I whispered to her that I never knew he liked the bay window.  Daughter whispered back that she never knew he was even aware we had a bay window.

SON:  Follow me upstairs.

We filed up polished wood steps and stopped at the doorway to Son’s bedroom.  He turned to us and said it was okay if we wanted to take our shoes off so we could feel how truly plush the carpeting inside was.  It occurred to me then that if Son were gay I wouldn’t be caught so off guard by all of this.  But he isn’t so I was.

SON:  I blew it with the sheets.  I spent a bundle on this bedding at Bed, Bath and Beyond, and then washed the sheets with the pillow shams.

He pulled the burgundy comforter back to reveal mauve colored sheets.  We told him they matched very nicely.  He said they were originally white.  Bright white.

SON:  I always used to wonder what the reason was behind that sorting the laundry thing.

OSV:  It’s a well-guarded secret.  Like the one about using cold water for colors.

SON:  (nodding)  Those are the last sheets to trick me.  Let’s go down to the kitchen.  The tile guy was here this morning and finished the backsplash.

Husband turned to me and mouthed “Backsplash?” as we descended the stairs, and it was all making me dizzy.  Hearing the son who used to forget to scrape the goose shit off his soccer cleats say the word backsplash was almost too much.

We leaned on the granite topped work island in the middle of Son’s new kitchen as he described the appliances.  I don’t even have a work island.  A metal sculpture hanging on the wall above it caught my eye.

OSV:  That’s an interesting piece of art.

SON:  It isn’t exactly art.  It’s a wine rack.

OSV:  Are you a wine drinker?

SON:  I will be.

Daughter walked across the diagonally set ceramic tile floor and looked directly into Son’s face.

DTR:  Who are you and what have you done with my brother?

To complement Son’s impeccable taste, here are Cousin’s brilliant photos from his recent trip to Copenhagen and Oslo

Nyhavn Harbor

Nyhavn Harbor

Copenhagen Lifeboat

Copenhagen Lifeboat

Angry Boy, Vigeland Sculpture Park

Angry Boy, Vigeland Sculpture Park

Vigeland Mother with Child

Vigeland Mother with Child

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Selective Memory

This week was Husband’s birthday, happening as it does every year eleven days after mine.  I always knock myself out shopping for a great gift for him because one, he always gets me something terrific, and two, he’s really elusive to buy things for.  I always think I get it right, but I’m consistently a little off.

Like I know he loves chocolate, so I’ll buy him Godiva dark because I know he prefers dark, but then I’ll find out later that when it comes to Godiva, he prefers the milk.  If I squeeze my head really hard, I can call to mind a moment in time when he actually told me this, but I excuse myself with thinking that maybe the events in Darfur pushed that little tidbit to the rear.  It means a great deal to him that I remember this kind of thing, and I always feel like I win points for buying the perfect blue linen shirt, but then get a deduction because it doesn’t have a chest pocket.  I hesitate to ask what my overall average is because I think he’ll tell me.

Husband is always amazed by the things I recall, like the name of the wife of a guy he introduced me to a year ago when he can’t even remember the guy’s name.  But then he’s astounded I don’t recall the name of a single teacher from when I was in elementary school.  He can rattle his off like a Yankee lineup.  It’s funny, too, because I had a happy childhood and loved school.  What I recall are certain things various teachers did or said; I just can’t summon the names or faces that go with them.

For instance, I remember that an early grade school teacher of mine called my mother one day and told her I didn’t eat enough to live on.  Teachers back then took turns monitoring the lunchroom, and apparently this one got alarmed after repeatedly watching me peel back the tin foil flaps on my daily lunch of little cantaloupe cubes and 2 bacon strips.  Well, excuse me for being a picky eater.  My mother hung up the phone humiliated after that call, and told me she was sending me with a chicken leg the next day.  I promised her I’d puke.

At a job I had about ten years ago, I shared an office with a woman I became friendly with.  One day she returned late from lunch, which was very unusual for her.  She explained that a traffic incident had delayed her.  She was stopped at an intersection near the office waiting for an older, female pedestrian to cross.  The pedestrian waved her to go ahead, and then inexplicably forgot she did so and began to cross the street.  She walked right into the front of my friend’s car and went straight to the ground.

My friend jumped out of her car and helped the woman up, both of them apologizing.  A shop owner called the police who arrived in minutes, but the woman assured everyone she was fine.  She refused an ambulance, and the police filled out their report and sent everyone on their way.  My friend called the woman several times over the next week to check on her, but she insisted she wasn’t injured or even upset.

About a year after that, my friend left work and moved to a different state.  She went right away to the Department of Motor Vehicles to fill out forms for her new driver’s license.  The very friendly DMV guy in her new, laid back town asked her if she had any traffic convictions on her record.  She proudly told him no.  He asked if her insurance had ever been canceled.  Again, no.  After a few more questions, my friend leaned in and said confidently, “I haven’t had so much as a parking ticket.”

The DMV guy glanced at his computer screen and said, “Would the pedestrian you hit agree with that?”

My friend was stunned at how the entire incident had slipped her mind.  She gave a little laugh and said, “You know, that’s a funny story.”  And the DMV guy leaned back with his arms folded and looked at her like, tell me.

Daughter’s Featured Fotos offer images that Only Mean What You Want Them To

downtown crowd

downtown crowd

price tag pileup

price tag pileup

as good a number as any

as good a number as any

selective 4 5_16_art_is_not

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Showtime

The suburban shopping mall near our house is crime central for our town, apparently due to its close proximity to the city line.  There have been some high-profile incidents there, shootings and stabbings and such, and it’s common knowledge for miles around that if you’re tired of your car and would like to collect on its insured value, just leave it in front of Sears overnight.

I remember years ago there was a knifing in the Victoria’s Secret when a young filly found her stud buying a thong for his thing on the side.  We dubbed the multi-screen cinema The Murderplex after a gang shooting one holiday season, the year I vowed not to give my kids permission to go there until they were thirty.  I know they didn’t listen.

And one of the moms from the playground showed up all bruised one afternoon as a result of a purse snatching in the mall parking lot.  The thief was the front seat passenger in a moving car who grabbed her shoulder bag as she pushed her son’s stroller toward the entrance.  She was dragged to the ground alongside the mugger’s car as she tried to let go of her bag without letting go of her son.  I grimaced as I listened to her story, but I had long ago started shopping elsewhere.

Which is why I went miles from home the other day to return something at Macy’s.  I had bought some Clinique lip gloss at an upstate Macy’s one weekend only to discover they changed the formula and it now had the consistency of wood varnish.  I dislike mall shopping in general, but I’m really adverse to losing blood while I do it.  So I headed to a shopping mecca about ten miles away in a nice, quiet town where nothing ever happens.

I found a spot right in line with the Macy’s entrance, and as I got out of my car, I was face to face with the driver’s window of the SUV parked next to me since he had backed in.  More than that, the driver was still in his seat.  More than that, he was jerking off.  It was one of those moments where you weren’t really sure you were seeing what you were seeing, kind of like when Tinkerbell appeared.  But there they were, the whacker and the whackee, going at it to beat the band.  As it were.

It was a gorgeous spring day so his window was down and he was probably staring right at me, but I just turned and walked toward the mall without looking at his face or registering a response.  I had sunglasses on so he didn’t have the satisfaction of being sure I was aware of what he was doing, which was no doubt the whole reason he was doing it.  And on that subject, may I say that his date was the sorriest little critter I have ever seen.  If it was out in public not attached to him, it might be mistaken for a pink gherkin.

As I reached the store, I could see a security vehicle approaching so I waited until it pulled up close to me.  The driver was a nice-looking young black guy who could never have expected what I was about to tell him.  “Sir, right down that aisle there is an SUV with a driver inside spanking the monkey.”  He blinked at me, and I wondered if maybe that wasn’t his euphemism of choice and he thought I wanted him to call animal control.

“What?” he said blankly.

“In the silver SUV next to the Sentra is a guy pulling his pud and it’s gross.  I thought this was a nice mall.  Would you please go make him leave?”

“Oh.  Sure.  Down this aisle here?  A silver SUV?”

“Yes, thank you.”

I drove ten miles to avoid being stabbed only to watch parking lot porn.  On the bright side, I had been wondering what I would write about today.  As I reached for the Macy’s door, I could see the reflection of the security vehicle behind me.  He was headed in the exact opposite direction from where I sent him.

Daughter’s Featured Fotos present Hard Evidence

tattooed kiss

tattooed kiss

broken and stranded

broken and stranded

street pushers

street pushers

bear-ing it all

bear-ing it all

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On a scale of one to ten

I gave up watching the Today Show when Katie Couric defected to the evening news.  And since I try to never watch the news, it would appear Katie and I have broken up.  Which is a shame because I have a very high threshold for perky and she and Matt Lauer interacted nicely.  Now everyone on that show talks over each other like they’re reporting the Hindenburg and it’s a mess.

The other morning I turned on the TV for a weather report (nine straight days of rain, like a crossbow to the sinus) and my attention was grabbed by Matt telling me to stick around for the world’s first full face transplant, coming up after these words from our sponsor.  At least, I’m pretty sure he said they’d be right back.  It was hard to hear with his three amigos jumping in like jibbering monkeys on his last words.  I’m not saying I hold a grudge, Katie, but you know what I’m saying.

These are the heroes.  The doctors who operate for 21 hours with meticulous care, and the patient, a beautiful young woman whose life was ripped apart by a shotgun blast to the face five years ago.  Fresh from surgery, none of us would want the face she was so thrilled to receive.  In time, and after more procedures, it will look closer to normal.  But watching that morning, my heart ached to think of what was taken from her and the open joy she expressed in the future from behind a face she couldn’t make smile.  Her resolve to carve good fortune from such a poorly dealt hand speaks to how indomitable the human spirit can be.

One brave woman’s courage struck me as an apt metaphor for our current times.  Perhaps our new President, and the wave of fresh air we’re willing him to bring, can change the climate of self-centeredness and unaccountability our culture has absorbed these past years.  The circus that began with the “Me” decade stayed in town way longer than welcome, and I’m as eager as anyone to usher it to the door.  In my own response to President Obama’s call to action, I’m reaching out to volunteer at a local community center or cancer support house.  With schoolwork taking up only half my day and jobs scarce, I need to connect somewhere with meaning.  No sense having a new game in town if you don’t intend to play.

Before I do that, though, I have to stay tuned through these words from our sponsor because coming up next is Bristol Palin, newly split from her baby-daddy, promoting her role as abstinence spokeswoman in the crusade against teen pregnancy.  I kid you not.  Katie, as the mother of two daughters you could have really run with that.  Wish you were here.

Daughter’s Featured Fotos hint at What Lies Outside

subway philosophy

subway philosophy

butterfly room at the museum of natural history

butterfly room at the museum of natural history

the great outDOORS

the great outDOORS

this is what happens when. . .

this is what happens when. . .

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Hitting the Speed Limit

I just turned 55.  My 27-year-old daughter knows the drill.  Whenever we run into women she knew growing up who are my age and have decided not to dye their hair, wear makeup, or buy clothes from this decade, I always turn to her afterward with a look on my face that makes her answer unasked, “No, you don’t look as old as that.”  Although I always find Daughter’s comments noteworthy, those are the responses that bring my vanity a special peace.

I pass women on the street with fabulous silver hair and remark to Husband that I wish I had the kind of hair that morphed into a great color as the years pass.  He gives me a weak smile and says, “I wish I had the kind of hair that stayed on my head as the years pass.”  It’s a good answer, but not the one that makes my hair glorious silver instead of chalky gray.  So I continue to search for my Natural Match in the hair color aisle, and bleach my teeth for better contrast.

At dinner the other night with Son, he asked what I planned to do on my birthday.  I told him I’d spend the day feeling like I’m still in my twenties, like I do every day.  He laughed in surprise.  “Really?  That’s how you feel?”  I told him yes, it always feels like just yesterday I graduated, got married, had kids, worked, played, got married again, and suddenly it’s today.  My answer seemed to startle and interest him.  He asked me what I recall as the best time in my life.  I said it was hard to choose; I’d have to think about it.  Then I asked him what the best time was in his life.  He thought for a moment and said, “Now.  Now is the best time.”

There’s a great photo taken by the late Helen Levitt, whose collected works I gave to Daughter as a gift.  As we were thumbing through it together, she stopped at a picture called Kids Dancing, and gasped at how much the little girl resembles me in my own childhood photos.

hitting 1 levitt_kids_dancing

The unselfconscious pose, the cotton dress, the scrawny arms and legs, they all come right out of my past.  My mom even used to cut my hair like that.  I had a lovely childhood.  In fact, my whole life has been sprinkled with good times, wonderful people, and happy memories.  That’s something to think about every day, not just on the milestones.  And in answer to Son’s question, now that I’ve had sufficient time to think about it, I have to agree with him.  Now is the best time.

Back from Krakow, Poland, Cousin sends birthday greetings
along with these evocative photos.  Thanx again, Cuz

hitting 2 Krakow_Wawel_Walk

Wawel Castle walk

hitting 3 Krakow_Chairs_Memorial

hitting 4 Krakow_Market_Sq_Church

hitting 5 Krakow_Wawel_Castle___Balloon

hitting 6 Krakow_Synagogue_Wall

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Air Raid

It was 85 degrees this past weekend, bizarre for April, especially considering the brutal winter that preceded it.  With such a sudden soaring temperature, it wasn’t surprising that life cycles began earlier than normal, or were otherwise propelled forward in their preparations.  Even so, nothing prepared me for the unexpected flying greetings that awaited me Monday morning.

I pulled up the bathroom blinds and a giant wasp flew into my face.  Okay, maybe it wasn’t GIANT, but it was a WASP in my HOUSE in my FACE so I get to use any word I want.  Don’t let anybody tell you they’re more afraid of you than you are of them.  People who say that are either idiots or they’re thinking of frogs.  Let me not even consider a frog leaping out of my bathroom blinds.  I’d never pee under them again.

Flapping at my assailant with this week’s Economist – sorry, honey, it was the closest magazine – I finally stunned him enough to run and get an aerosol can to spray at his face.  I threw open the cabinet doors under the sink and grabbed the first thing I could lay my hands on and ran back to find him re-energized and waiting.  Before he could make a move, I covered him in Aussie Catch the Wave Curl Scrunching Mist.  His little antennae bent to the side and he staggered on the windowsill a moment.  Then he went to heaven in a paper towel.

I wish that was all I had to tell you, but for the next two hours, every room I went into was like déjà vu all over again, as Yogi Berra once said.  Between the Economist and the Scrunching Mist, I did battle with SIX wasps.  I also knocked a picture off the wall in my office and damaged a silhouette shade in the living room.  By noon I was pumping enough testosterone to bench press a Buick.

It was time to call in reinforcements so I hit the Yellow Pages for exterminators.  Do you know how much it costs to have a service respond to a wasp call?  Between $275 and $450.  Some would only come give an estimate and then schedule the work later.  Later?  They wouldn’t even have to ring the bell later.  CSI would already be here removing my stung, swollen carcass.  Let the medical examiner pay them.

The exterminator guy was terrific.  He climbed on the roof.  He shimmied into the attic.  He couldn’t find a nest anywhere.  What he did see was a hole in one of our window screens.  I expressed doubt about that being the point of entry, but as we stood watching, two more wasps squeezed through the hole and started dancing on the windowsill.  The Ex-Man sprayed them with his Can of Death, which actually smelled better than the Aussie Scrunching Mist.

He told me to patch the screen and refused to take any payment.  I gave him a nice tip and thanked him profusely.  I asked if I could walk him out the deck door just to make sure there were no wasps lurking out back, waiting for him to leave.  He said sure, so I swung open the door to the deck and we both yelled “HOLY SHIT!” as a swarm of black pavement ants came rolling over the threshold like a wave.  In the 20 years I’ve lived in this house, I’ve never seen anything like it.  The Ex-Man raised his Can of Death and laughed.

Daughter’s Featured Fotos tell it Like It Is

that's right, sister

that’s right, sister

which one doesn't belong?

which one doesn’t belong?

take a break

take a break

love monster by aiko joshua liner gallery

love monster by aiko, joshua liner gallery

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